HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE IN SPECIFIC SITUATIONS
Being assertive can assist you to overcome awkward situations. Here are a few examples that can assist you to:
SAY "NO"
If you do not want to do something, you do not have to do it! Refusing does not mean you are selfish!
Do not feel compelled to give a reason.
Feel free to strike a compromise. "I can not organize your tag sale and I would be happy to donate some items."
EXPRESS YOUR ANGER
There is nothing wrong with feeling anger; it is the way it is expressed that can hurt people.
Do say something. The other person can not read your mind -- and do not count on sulking to get your message across.
Discuss the issue (and that issue only).
Stay calm
Avoid name-calling
Discuss solutions. Compromise.
"I am irritated that you are continually late. Is there some reason why you can not get here on time? Maybe we can change your schedule." NOT "I am sick and tired of this, you lazy bum!"
ASK FOR ASSISTANCE
Asking for assistance is natural and everybody can use it once in a while.
Make your request direct, clear and specific.
Give the person time to choose if he or she wants to do it.
Make sure the person understands that it is OK to say "No." "I have got to move before the end of the month. Could you lend a hand between the 28th and 30th?"
GIVE AND RECIEVE COMPLIMENTS
If receiving praise is tough for you, then just give a smile, a simple "thank you" or a hug, depending on the situation.
Do not insult the person giving the compliment by saying "Oh, is was nothing" simply say "You are welcome or thank you."
If you truly feel the compliment is underserved, acknowledge that, and still thank the person. "I was a bit disappointed myself and I am glad you liked it. Thanks for the support.
When giving praise, be sincere and specific.
PRACTICE YOUR ASSERTIVENESS SKILLS
Becoming assertive takes time and practice. Here is a plan that may assist.
1. SELECT A SITUATION in which you would like to be assertive. "I would like to tell my friends that I do not want to go out with them every Friday night."
2. OBSERVE HOW OTHERS ACT in the same situation. "Dibbie makes excuses. It works, and some people doubt her truthfulness. Tom simply says, "No, thank you. I would rather not.
3.REHEARSE THE SCENE by planning what you will say, how you will make your point. Practice in front of the mirror to be sure you look and act confident as well.
4. GO DO IT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS "I do not want to go our tonight. I would just like to stay home and relax."
5. EVALUATE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE and be critical and do not be too hard on yourself. "I could improve my eye contact. I was direct, I did not make excuses and it worked."
6. DO IT AGAIN .. You can do it!
YOU CAN BECOME ASSERTIVE AS NEVER BEFORE
SAY what is on your mind.
EXPRESS yourself directly, honestly and appropriately
RESPECT you own rights and the rights of others
Being assertive will make a difference in your life ... A DIFFERENCE YOU WILL ENJOY
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Assertiveness Part 3
Communication skills are a KEY to being assertive. Become AWARE of:
WHAT YOU SAY
* Be Specific, not general. "I have taken on more responsibilities - purchasing and supervising - and I think I should be compensated accordingly". NOT "You should give me a raise"
* Stay calm, becoming emotional or bringing up the past is counterproductive, i.e., "I had to ask for a raise last year too."
HOW YOU SAY IT
* Be steady. If you voice is too soft, whiny, shaky, sarcastic or threatening, you will not come across well.
* Use "I feel" rather than "You are" in your statements. I feel angry when you do not call to say you are going to be late." NOT " You are such a thoughtless jerk!"
WHERE AND WHEN TO SAY IT
It is best to be assertive most of the time. And some times and places are not appropriate.
The Classic, It is best to confront someone in private rather than in front of people.
It is common courtesy to discuss sensitive issues in private.
KEEPING THE FOLLOWING 4 POINTS IN MIND WILL ASSIST YOU TO INCREASE YOU ASSERTIVENESS
1. Use confident body language
-- Look the person straight in the eye, do not look down or away
-- Keep your body straight, do not slouch.
-- Keep your hands at your sides or in your lap. Do not tap on the table, fiddle with your hair or jewelry, fold your hands across your chest, or point your finger at the other person.
2. Be a good listener
-- Give your full attention to the person who is speaking.
-- Show your interest by responding. Do not simply nod you head in agreement.
-- Briefly summarize in your own words what the person said. It helps eliminate misunderstanding.
3. Respect yourself
-- Realize that you are worthy and have something to offer. Your ideas are important and others can benefit from them.
Evaluate your strengths and weaknesses.
Recognize those things you do well. Do not discount them because they are easy for you.
Take gradual steps toward overcoming your weaknesses. Reward yourself as you improve.
4. Respect Others
+ Everybody has the right to express feelings and opinions.
+ Realize the difference between assertion and aggression. Keep each clear. There is no need to threaten, punish or false influence other people. If you treat them with respect, they will treat you with respect.
YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WILL BE STRONGER, HEALTHIER AND MORE ENJOYABLE WHEN THEY ARE BASED ON MUTUAL RESPECT.
WHAT YOU SAY
* Be Specific, not general. "I have taken on more responsibilities - purchasing and supervising - and I think I should be compensated accordingly". NOT "You should give me a raise"
* Stay calm, becoming emotional or bringing up the past is counterproductive, i.e., "I had to ask for a raise last year too."
HOW YOU SAY IT
* Be steady. If you voice is too soft, whiny, shaky, sarcastic or threatening, you will not come across well.
* Use "I feel" rather than "You are" in your statements. I feel angry when you do not call to say you are going to be late." NOT " You are such a thoughtless jerk!"
WHERE AND WHEN TO SAY IT
It is best to be assertive most of the time. And some times and places are not appropriate.
The Classic, It is best to confront someone in private rather than in front of people.
It is common courtesy to discuss sensitive issues in private.
KEEPING THE FOLLOWING 4 POINTS IN MIND WILL ASSIST YOU TO INCREASE YOU ASSERTIVENESS
1. Use confident body language
-- Look the person straight in the eye, do not look down or away
-- Keep your body straight, do not slouch.
-- Keep your hands at your sides or in your lap. Do not tap on the table, fiddle with your hair or jewelry, fold your hands across your chest, or point your finger at the other person.
2. Be a good listener
-- Give your full attention to the person who is speaking.
-- Show your interest by responding. Do not simply nod you head in agreement.
-- Briefly summarize in your own words what the person said. It helps eliminate misunderstanding.
3. Respect yourself
-- Realize that you are worthy and have something to offer. Your ideas are important and others can benefit from them.
Evaluate your strengths and weaknesses.
Recognize those things you do well. Do not discount them because they are easy for you.
Take gradual steps toward overcoming your weaknesses. Reward yourself as you improve.
4. Respect Others
+ Everybody has the right to express feelings and opinions.
+ Realize the difference between assertion and aggression. Keep each clear. There is no need to threaten, punish or false influence other people. If you treat them with respect, they will treat you with respect.
YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WILL BE STRONGER, HEALTHIER AND MORE ENJOYABLE WHEN THEY ARE BASED ON MUTUAL RESPECT.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Understanding Assertiveness
To understand assertiveness let's start with common causes for nonassertiveness:
FEAR: of displeasing or hurting others or of being rejected or of making mistakes. Nonassertive people are often oversensitive to other people's feelings. They are afraid that disagreement will be misinterpreted as dislike for the other person.
FALSE BELIEFS: that they are unworthy or that they do not have any rights. These people think that if they assert their rights they are being self-centered, or that others' opinion are more valid.
LACK OF SKILLS: Some people never learned how to be assertive or were discouraged from being assertive as children.
Let's continue with some common causes of aggression:
INSECURITY: those feelings of powerlessness. Aggressive people often feel threatened and react strongly thinking they must protect themselves.
RELUCTANCE: to give up the perceived benefits of aggression. Some aggressive behavior make work in the short run because it intimidates other people. In the long run, however, the aggression gains only resentment ... not respect ... from others.
INEXPERIENCE: in expressing needs and feelings in any other way. Aggression can become second nature in some people.
AND PEOPLE can and do CHANGE the way they act ... CHANGING YOUR BEHAVIOR is really up to you! Nonassertive or aggressive actions often are the easiest and result when you put too much pressure on yourself, blowing things out of proportion. Learn to think calmly and rationally.
DEVELOP A POSITIVE ATTITUDE that says: It's OK to make mistakes. No one's perfect. I can say "NO" when I need to. I would like to be good at this and if I am not that is OK. I would like it if he went out with me and if he doesn't , that is OK. Asking questions does not make me look stupid and it is the best way to get the information I need. Just because I see it this way does not mean everybody else should agree. If I stand up for myself now and say what I really feel, it will be better in the long run.
FEAR: of displeasing or hurting others or of being rejected or of making mistakes. Nonassertive people are often oversensitive to other people's feelings. They are afraid that disagreement will be misinterpreted as dislike for the other person.
FALSE BELIEFS: that they are unworthy or that they do not have any rights. These people think that if they assert their rights they are being self-centered, or that others' opinion are more valid.
LACK OF SKILLS: Some people never learned how to be assertive or were discouraged from being assertive as children.
Let's continue with some common causes of aggression:
INSECURITY: those feelings of powerlessness. Aggressive people often feel threatened and react strongly thinking they must protect themselves.
RELUCTANCE: to give up the perceived benefits of aggression. Some aggressive behavior make work in the short run because it intimidates other people. In the long run, however, the aggression gains only resentment ... not respect ... from others.
INEXPERIENCE: in expressing needs and feelings in any other way. Aggression can become second nature in some people.
AND PEOPLE can and do CHANGE the way they act ... CHANGING YOUR BEHAVIOR is really up to you! Nonassertive or aggressive actions often are the easiest and result when you put too much pressure on yourself, blowing things out of proportion. Learn to think calmly and rationally.
DEVELOP A POSITIVE ATTITUDE that says: It's OK to make mistakes. No one's perfect. I can say "NO" when I need to. I would like to be good at this and if I am not that is OK. I would like it if he went out with me and if he doesn't , that is OK. Asking questions does not make me look stupid and it is the best way to get the information I need. Just because I see it this way does not mean everybody else should agree. If I stand up for myself now and say what I really feel, it will be better in the long run.
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